Fears and Desires

Wow, what a busy few months it has been!

I finished painting my bedroom and it’s all set up, including my new bed which is just absolutely amazing! So, let me know if you’d like me to do a post.

I attended a job interview a few months ago that I mentioned in a previous post, and although I wasn’t successful, they have offered me an alternate job based more on what I’m currently studying which really blew me away. It involves more travel as it’s not in my local area, but it’s a really really good opportunity for growth building on my skills, experience and knowledge in my career. I debated with myself about the extra travel and time away from Max but after talking it over with my support network (family and friends who help with Max) and my workplace, they’re happy to be flexible which is wonderful. So it was a very excited YES from me, and I will start my new journey shortly, YAY!!

That was the first big positive I’ve had in my life for a while, although a few more have followed now and it feels so good to be going in a positive direction. I’ve been working hard and I feel my life is finally starting to reflect that. When you are constantly focussing on the negative moments in your life you attract what you fear and repel what you really desire. The road since my separation has been anything but smooth and is extremely exhausting, but I’ve managed to push through because I’ve stopped focussing on those moments. I’ve realised that every moment is neutral till it’s labelled, and as soon as I let go of my fears and started to take inspired action towards what my desires are my moments changed, for the better.

I’ve got an amazing job opportunity that I’m so excited to begin, I’m only a few weeks off finishing my graduate certificate, and my annual beach holiday has been extended from one week to three thanks to an impeccably timed phone call after someone cancelled their booking! These are my desires, to grow in my career, and make memories with my son. I know most desire more money and a better figure, and to a degree I do too, but it’s not important at the moment. Live in the now, be present in your children’s lives, and create moments they will cherish for long after we are gone. My son isn’t going to look back at how much money we did or didn’t have, he will look back to see a mum who worked and spent quality time with him on my days off. He loves spending a morning with me at the beach, and our trips to Bunnings even if we just go to look at the flowers and find the resident lizards, he doesn’t care what it is we are doing as long as it’s time together. We recently gate crashed my parents camping trip for a few days and Max was so excited to be sleeping in a tent. I wasn’t so excited being in a tent on a mattress I needed to pump up each night, but it was all new to him and time together. We hired a kayak and explored the creek, visited the park more times then I can count, rode our bikes and made new friends. Just a small town caravan park, a boy, and his family, cherishing those special moments.

Our annual beach holiday is at a place I holidayed at as a child. I love that he will have the opportunity to fall in love with the place I spent so many summers at and made some lifelong friends. Friends whose children are now experiencing what we did. It’s not a resort, it’s not a fancy 5-star holiday park or hotel either, it’s a small coastal town that is still relatively untouched. Last year we rode our bikes on the beach each afternoon, we played in the sand, found shells, decorated sand castles with sea weed, had basic meals, used a public shower block and toilets, and explored the area. He still talks about it now, 10months later, asking when we’re going back. These are the moments that I want to create, moments that are full of smiles and positive memories, nothing fancy, just some Max and mum time.

Every moment in life is a fresh start, a moment full of opportunity to be the very best version of you. Give that moment your all, be present, and choose you…

 

 

A Job Interview

So earlier this year I applied for two totally different further education courses. I love both specialty areas but was craving studying again so applied for both and decided to let the universe guide me as to where I should go or if the time was even right to study again. One pathway was highly encouraged and supported by managers and the other wasn’t so of course I went with the option where I had loads of encouragement and support from my workplace.

I’m now in term 3 of the course and doing well so I decided to bite the bullet and apply for a program that will run next year at my hospital that means I can study and train for 12months and transfer over to Midwifery! I’m a little excited and so very nervous as the study load and full-time work is going to change 2018 immensely but I applied, i’ve sat my interview a fortnight ago, and now the long wait to hear back. As I drove home from the interview I had the mum guilts majorly, Is it too much to take on? Will I be away from Max too much? Can I handle this on my own? Is Max going to resent me for being full-time for a year? Should I withdraw? I had to pull over and have a pep talk with myself as I felt like I was going to have a panic attack about it! I’m super judgemental of myself now because of the scrutiny I receive from Max’s dad but I’ve worked so hard over the last two years to move past that and just focus on what is best for Max and I and our future…..and that to me means qualifications and skills that will earn a contract for some regular hours and financial stability. I do feel that studying while Max is young is great and I’ve managed really well this year [so far], so i’m positive that if i’m offered the position that I CAN do this!

I’m a firm believer that if something is meant to be then it just happens, it falls into place, and just feels relaxed. And if it’s difficult and not working, then the timing isn’t right at the moment. So what ever the outcome of the interview is, I will never have known if it was right if I didn’t try in the first place!

Max’s Room Makeover

So whilst totally overwhelmed with my uni workload I decided to start a makeover on Max’s room, because thats totally how you deal with life when it’s a little tough!

As you can see his room was previously quite dark and just didn’t fit with Max’s furniture. The whole house is cream with brown trim and whilst i’m sure it was very on trend at some point it’s very dark and drab now, plus the carpet has well and truely seen better days and is covered in stains. So, I emptied his room into the dinning room, ripped up the carpet and made a trip to the paint shop via the carpet shop. I’m very proud that it only took about 15minutes to pick the colour, oh, thats right, because I was also on a deadline to get it all done before the new carpet got installed in 2 days time!

I was so sick, but in prime procrastination mode for uni so with two very late nights a majority of the painting was done and the carpet arrived to be laid. We decided to go for a carpet that is life proof but also lush under foot so got one that is recycled PET! Yes, recycled plastic. Apparently very easy to clean and it’s got a very soft and luxurious feel to it too. Having a child and living near a busy road we chose a dark colour instead of the previous cream coloured carpet.

The colours chosen are Dulux Lexicon half, low sheen for the ceiling and gloss for the trims, and Dulux Tranquil Retreat for the walls. The colour is absolutely amazing and the feel in the room is quite, well, tranquil! It’s lighter in the room and the feel of the new carpet under foot is divine. I haven’t put the old wardrobe back in as it was an older style wooden wardrobe which doesn’t fit in with his new room so i’ve decided to put in a built in wardrobe one day (i use that term loosely), but for now all Max’s clothes are in my walk in robe.

Max is very much in love with the makeover and gave the carpet his ‘forward roll’ of approval. I positioned the furniture so he has maximum floor space to play and I rotate his toys so everything isn’t all out at once. Each week he chooses a few items and swaps them over with something from my walk in. I’m still deciding on how to display some of his preschool artwork and our family photo’s above his bed so if anyone has any ideas let me know 🙂

A new lifestyle journey

I’m embarking on a new lifestyle journey for 2017 for Max and I. A close friend shared something with me that I am absolutely in love with!! It’s plant based nutrition packed full of so many goodies, and the best part is it’s safe to share with Max too.

I’d never take something thats not safe for pregnant women, breastfeeding mums or children and I’m excited that this product ticks all those boxes, woo hoo!! They also offer a children’s health study offering soft chews for children and Max absolutely loves his asking for them morning and night. I’ve already noticed a HUGE energy lift in the mornings and i’m starting to find my quality of sleep is starting to improve too. Stay tuned as I will document my journey through the 24day dextox, cleanse and nourish program 😉

If you’d like some information about it click here.

Talk soon x

2017……focused!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Xmas and New Year. We enjoyed a short time when our family all came together for presents, feasts, laughs and quality time, it was different to previous years as Max was away till late Boxing Day and both my brother-in-law and I worked but we celebrated late and still had a good time all together as a family with 7 adults, 2 toddlers, a crawler, a baby and 2 dogs (one big one small!). We were certainly packed to the rafters!

Looking back on 2016 I felt I just drifted through, I didn’t really have much to work towards and focus on and as a result I felt the year was totally unorganised/overwhelming/a mess and I’m not sure what I’ve really achieved. I had goals at different times but as they were in my head they were lost and constantly pushed aside……this year I want to do different!

I’ve written my goals down for the year and I’m organising my life! I feel having it on paper staring me in the face everyday is going to help me work towards those goals with passion and keep me accountable. I’m going to share my goals with you and I’d like you to share yours too! Mine are:

  • Wanderlust – Family holiday (cruise) and Sky dive (I’m turning 30 this year and I’ve always wanted to do it so what better excuse lol).
  • Relationships – Self love, remove toxic relationships, focus on my close friendships and family, be open to finding love.
  • Health/Fitness – Yes I know….a health/fitness goal! Get back to my gym routine (5 days a week), less sugar and more veg, yoga/balance/flexibility, meditate more.
  • Financial – emergency buffer fund, debt free by June (yay), save 20% of income, deposit only into savings, no withdrawals!
  • Abundance – Journal, blog, be organised, be present and simplify.

 

Simple headings, simple goals, achievable. My word for 2017 is…….Focused!

New Year, New Chapter

2017 is shaping up to be a new chapter for us and I’m a little excited to be honest…..

  • I’ve got some exciting options at work to study and further my career, knowledge and skills in two different speciality areas that I’m passionate about,
  • My fitness is FINALLY back on track now I’m recovering from pneumonia and have set new goals to work towards that I’m slowly getting into a routine with, YAY!
  • I’m getting back on track with my health and am trying a new path to assist this (stay tuned to this) as my health is very important as a single parent (as I discovered while I was down).
  • I think I’m doing an ok job at the moment of juggling mum/work/friend/spirituality/health/fitness/finances. I’m definitely back on track with paying attention to what is needed around me and making sure I’m doing my best to achieve that.

In 2016 I grew in so many different ways. I’ve moved on from a toxic relationship, I learnt to let go, I’ve surprised myself and excelled in areas of my life, I left behind things I no longer need or want in my and my son’s life, and I’ve also gained a lot of positives that I’m extremely grateful for.

I’m looking forward to Christmas with all my family together again….. even if it is only for a few short days, I’m working most of it, and Max will be with his dad for a few of those days too! There’s a lot that’s going to be happening but having all my family around is something that makes me happy and Max understands the excitement of Christmas a little this year and that makes it extra special for me to see him enjoy the joy that surrounds this time of year 🙂

The new year is always exciting, it brings new beginnings, focuses, and new life into achieving your goals. I don’t like the phrase “New Years Resolution” because lets face it….they only last a few weeks! Instead I’ve got a great vision of what I want to achieve in 2017 and whilst 2016 hasn’t been so wonderful I still hit most of my goals for the year and this makes me more determined that I will achieve my goals for 2017 with the amazing support from the family and friends.

New year, new chapter xx

 

 

I completely burned out!

I completely burned out and I disappeared from life for a little while after I lost myself.

Leaving a toxic relationship was hard but having to keep him in my life because of our son and co parent is harder than I could ever have imagined, my health is a mess and I needed to check out for a while.

I kept pushing myself, at work, at home and socially and while I’ve been able to keep the wheels turning for a little while my health came crashing down and I fell into a heap!

Being a single parent is tough and people expect you to have your life “anchored” securely, anchors such as health, family, friends, romantic relationship, career, home etc. It’s not easy and I don’t know exactly how many are meant to be secured at one time or if is it possible to have it all? I honestly don’t think so..

We are often thrown curve balls and one of our “anchors” can break free, but we end up so focused on fixing that broken anchor because the secured one’s don’t need maintenance…wrong!

Here’s an insight into what “anchors” are broken at the moment:

  • Romantic Relationship
  • Home
  • Health
  • Career
  • Routine
  • Co Parenting

Sitting back and looking at whats happening has made me realise how important it is to take the time to look after myself so I’ve been working really hard this year on picking up the pieces of my life and starting fresh.

I wanted to share my story so I decided to start this blog, I’m hoping I can reach others in similar situations so they know they’re not alone. I wear my heart on my sleeve, i’m vulnerable, I crave routine and organisation and I want people to know it’s ok to not be ok sometimes! Be sad, be angry, cry, do what you need to do to weather this storm called life..

Falling into a heap puts a lot into perspective, I had to dig deep and put the pieces back together one by one…especially when it’s only lunchtime and you’re absolutely buggered but you still have a whole half a day of being mum to an adventurous 2-year-old left!

It’s been coming for about 6 months now and I really should have seen the signs a lot earlier. At the beginning of the year I went on a journey of self love….and I found it! I was doing well, I had all of my anchors secured (except romantic relationship of course) and I was kind of winning at life, then my ex showed up and took our son without consent one weekend.

My whole life changed at that moment.

I wasn’t prepared for it and there was nothing I could do either, but I didn’t realise how much it actually took its toll on me till now.

Since then it’s been a rollercoaster, my ex has called me more names than I can count, he’s publicly slandered me on social media (as has his family/friends), he is doing everything he possibly can to make raising our son on my own difficult, he doesn’t accept any financial responsibility for his son, he doesn’t ask how he is/what he’s been doing, and ignores me at handover. When I told him our son wasn’t coping of course it was my fault and told me I was a failure/i’d ruined my life and my families/I needed babysitting and couldn’t raise our son on my own…all via text of course because he is incapable of actually speaking to me.

As much as it shouldn’t hurt me because it’s not true, it still does! I stopped practicing self-love, I stopped meeting my friends at the park for play dates, I stopped going out of the house full stop and buried myself in work and helping my son cope after each access visit.

Eventually I got sick and fell in a heap in the form of pneumonia and middle ear infections!

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Sometimes we have to let go of people we love:

Realising our relationship was toxic was devastating, he ticked so many of the right boxes for me but at the same time there were a lot that he didn’t and they outweighed the good in the end. I tried to keep everything amicable for co parenting but understand he is hurting and lashing out at me now, he has even said he has a lot of hatred for me and that is going to take some time to move past.

It’s very painful to know someone so intimately and connect with someone so deeply only to have them take advantage of that vulnerability. They have the ability to detour your whole life on a new path yet at the end of our path I was left asking myself some difficult questions;

  • Who am I?
  • Is what I see and he see’s really that different?
  • Maybe he’s right, maybe I am useless, maybe Max and I are a burden on his life.
  • Can I stay for the sake of our son? Who’s happiness is more important, mine or Max’s?

We created the most gorgeous little guy from our relationship and whilst it was a great love, I think by the time I made the decision to leave the walls had been up for a while and I’d already started the grieving process so we are at the opposite ends of the scale now. I accept he is hurting and he needs time. I’m not angry, and I’m not hurt, I just feel sad that his bad behaviour is affecting our son so much and he can’t/chooses not to see that.

Time is definitely the only thing to heal this.

Keep Your Expectations In Reality:

I placed super high expectations on myself post breakup and chose to just power through life, people noticed this and then expected this from me.

I looked at those surrounding me and their expectations of themselves and me and found that they were very different.

I realised I’m actually surrounded by some pretty amazing people, they are very supportive and my gal pals are some very wise women that I’m very proud to call my friends. We are all experiencing different storms at some stage or another and we all weather them differently too.

I then decided I needed a new focus on how I choose to live my life, and whilst I still have some high expectations my wise women keep them a little more real so when I do meet those expectations I am grateful for being so bloody lucky!

Self Love:

Take time out!

I cannot stress this enough. Take the day off, get a massage, meditate, call a friend, catchup with friends, go out for lunch, walk into a store and actually buy something new for yourself instead of for your child (who isn’t guilty of this?), see a movie by yourself, spent some time on your own. My self-love routine is:

  • Monthly massages,
  • Self guided meditation at least 3 times a week,
  • Gym sessions at least 3 times a week,
  • Fortnightly park dates with my wise women and their children

This routine works really well for me. It’s a good balance of stress release, exercise, laughs and socialisation. It’s simple but totally works for me. I don’t want my tough experience to build up my wall, I like wearing my heat on my sleeve and there isn’t anything wrong with that and that takes courage to realise that. But I choose to be the person who chooses courage over comfort!

Friend Purge:

I had a significant “friend” purge post breakup and omg it felt amazing!

My friendship circle is certainly smaller now but I don’t mind, the people who are here now have actually always been here for me. They’re loyal and supportive and they are the traits of people I choose to be in my life as they help build me up!

I’m not here to please everyone as when you try to you end up feeling under appreciated and undervalued. Those who get me get me and those who don’t and that’s ok as people appreciate you so much more for being honest.

Be Emotional:

Be sad.
Be angry.
Cry.

Don’t EVER let people invalidate your emotions, period.

It’s not up to someone else to tell you how you should feel, your feelings are totally valid and so is feeling the need to communicate them, don’t ever forget that.

You Can’t Change Your Life Overnight:

We are faced with so many decisions every single day of our life but when you start choosing to look for positives, practicing gratitude, and celebrating the small wins you’ll be surprised just how quickly your situation changes and that it actually feels real instead of overwhelming!

Make little decisions first, mine are:

  • Routine – I’ve made some small mindful changes to my routine.
    – Lighting scented candles
    – Self guided meditation nightly
    – Focusing on eating clean again as I feel amazing when I’m eating the right food
  • Time out – I’ve been forced to take some time off work to recover from pneumonia and normally I would be feeling very guilty as it’s not productive but I’m actually enjoying it and realising that I need to recharge!
    – I’m organising my home
    – I’ve gotten a massage
    – I’ve had lunch dates
  • Investing in family/friends
    – Until we need them you usually don’t realise how important they really are! I’ve realised I have a bloody amazing support network of family and friends, but I’ve also realised I’ve actually been a bad mum/daughter/sister/aunt/friend at times over the last 6 months too. I’ve neglected them a little and came to this realisation when I felt guilty for calling on them to talk to when I needed support, but they hugged my while I cried and helped wipe away the tears. For this I am so grateful that I have such amazing and beautiful people who I call my family and friends!

Choose To Be Happy:

While this sounds easy it isn’t always and can be overwhelming at first, but it’s actually a state of mind achieved with the guidance of small goals and decisions.

Make your head space choose to be happy, and if you can’t choose happy choose love <3

 

 

A new way of life…

A new way of life…..just Max and I.

When my ex finally got the idea that nothing he could do or say would bring me back it was bliss! He stopped turning up at our house at all hours of the day and night (remember we are now 2.5hours away form him), the constant messages stopped and I felt relief. Relief that I no longer had to be alone in a relationship, I didn’t have to pretend to be happy in front of acquaintances, and relief that I’d finally escaped a toxic relationship!

I am finally free, free of a toxic personality, free to raise my son with positive male model models in his life, free to go back to work, to rebuild a network of friends, and most importantly…..to embark on a journey of self love! Max has so many positive role models in his life now, any of which i’d be proud if he grew up to be just like them because between his uncles, poppy and our male friends, he has some pretty awesome footprints to walk along side and who will help guide him through life. These men are all very different but they are all attentive, caring and loyal. Both of Max’s uncles are dad’s themselves, as is his poppy and some of our male friends, they are absolutely amazing with their children and they support their partners in every way….this is what I had wanted Max to see, a dad who loves and supports his mum. I’m sorry Max that that didn’t happen, but have faith that one day there will be a male in our life that does love and support me in every way…including you xx

I am finally being supported to return to work with the amazing help of my parents. I am extremely grateful my parents are around to look after Max while i’m at work as without them I wouldn’t be able to due to the nature of my career as a nurse. Max’s has been through a lot of change but having my parents to care for Max when I returned to work almost a year ago meant that he felt safe, secure, and had routine and continuity. I remember my first shift back, I was so nervous but i’d chosen an evening shift as I could spend all morning with Max and I went to work while he had his lunch time sleep and he got to spend the afternoon with just his Nanny and Poppy, which he absolutely loved! Meanwhile I was stressing the whole time that he was really missing me and he’d be a mess…..he wasn’t, just me! Max soon understood what “Mummy is going to work” meant and knew that it would be time spent with nanny and poppy. I’ve done some time in area’s of nursing that aren’t my passion to brush up on my skills and knowledge as well as undertake some short courses and educational sessions. My boss recognised this and almost a year after returning i’ve finally been given the opportunity to get into the emergency department! Excitement is an understatement and that is another story for me to share..

I’ve reconnected with some old school friends with whom i’d kept in contact with and i’ve met new people through them as well as new acquaintances through work and activities in the community. The new connections through work are new and exciting and although i’ve met a lot of people there’s obviously only a few i’ve “clicked” with. The same with new connections through my school friends, while i’ve met a few there’s only a small few that are now apart of my network. My schools friends are like i’d never left, it’s nice to have them in my life and also that feeling of long term friendships and loyalty….these girls make me laugh, they’ve wiped away many tears, they’ve grounded me post breakup, and they’ve kept my therapist bill a lot smaller then it would be without them, thank you xx

My journey of self love has been interesting, i’ve learned that I need to fill up my own cup of self love first, only then can I truely give to others from the overflow. I feel i’ve become a little spiritual and I have a totally new outlook on life, I now meditate and enjoy practicing Thai chi and yoga regularly to ground me and clear my mind, I have far more patience and then I ever did before and I am not allowing negativity into my life. It meant a big shift in my friends circle but those who are still here are that one’s there were here for me from the start. Meditating, yoga and Thai chi are very relaxing, having a clear mind ensures a good nights sleep, and for the times I haven’t been able to clear my mind I found some amazing guided meditation to help get me too sleep. I started to really look after myself, it’s something I haven’t done for a long time and I didn’t realises till now! I get a massage when i’m stressed, I see a physiologist when I need to, I go to the gym which i’ve found helps me immensely, and I enjoy time with my friends again. Having the odd dinner, night out, day at the races or mum movie date is huge for us, it doesn’t happen often but when it does we all needed the time out to just be adults again and have some time to ourselves! As a num most understand that doesn’t happen very often and is extremely exciting lol.

18months post breakup i’ve started to date again, I felt the time was right so I went with it. I am extremely cautious about introducing anyone new to Max until I know they will be in my life long term, but I also understand that he will cope as well as I do so my plan is to slowly bring someone into our life ONLY once they are family and gal pal approved! I didn’t listen to either last time so this time he will need pre approval before he gets to be apart of my life. I downloaded an online dating app as this is what people are doing now, I got introduced to people through my circle of friends, and I met new people through work and the gym. Between all of them i’ve met some really nice people, where these new connections will take me i’m unsure, but for now i’m just enjoying getting to know new people and seeing where it leads me.

 

Be the very best version of you,
Stay true to yourself,
Be genuine + authentic,
Always always always be kind + spread love,

Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind xx

Congratulations you’re pregnant!

Congratulations you’re pregnant! I remember hearing these words from my doctor after several negative home pregnancy tests landed me in her rooms to get a blood test to see what was going on.

I had just finished my final uni prac for my nursing degree and had my eyes firmly on scoring my dream new graduate position at a large paediatric hospital. When I returned from prac I was immediately offered an interview for a casual position at a hospital in the home town I grew up 2 1/2 hours away in which i attended and was successful. Although 2 weeks in I noticed something was different, I wasn’t sure what but something was going on. I was on contraception but did a few pregnancy tests to rule that out and they were all negative…phew! I thought. I ended up making an appointment to see my doctor who’s immediate response was “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”. A test in her rooms was negative but the blood test showed otherwise, I got the phone call the next day with “Congratulations you’re pregnant, about 4-6weeks”, pause, “Thats not possible i’ve been away for almost 3months”, longer pause. Long story short…I was 12weeks pregnant confirmed by ultrasound a few days later.

I also distinctly remember the call to my then partner to tell him the news, I was excited as this was my first baby, but also devastated as I would have to give up my position in the new graduate program the following year…..he wasn’t excited! His response, “mmmm great, how the f*@k did that happen?”. Not “oh wow, thats a surprise” or “it’s going to be ok”, or “we’ll sort it out”,  or “how exciting” etc…you know, the normal responses. He already had children from a previous relationship and I think he had unofficially closed that chapter of his life without actually having that conversation with me. I didn’t know what to do, think, or feel. I told my family and they were all quite excited, except mum, she had always been wary of my then partner and asked if i’d done it on purpose to “fix” our relationship. I was really taken back by that comment but reassured her that I had worked so hard over the last three years at uni to land my dream job….the dream job I now had to give up. My excitement was subdued as my then partner didn’t want to tell anyone till he had told his ex-wife and their children but by almost 15 weeks I ended up giving him an ultimatum..”do it soon as i’m going to make a public announcement of our pregnancy, I can’t keep denying it and saying i’m bloated!”…the night before I made the announcement he finally told them.

Throughout my pregnancy he would tell people “it was an accident”, “i didn’t want anymore kids”, “i thought that part of my life was done”, I was gutted! He wouldn’t say any of that to me, just publicly to his friends and mutual friends. At a time a a to be mum should have been excited, glowing, talking baby room designs, what pram to buy etc I felt I couldn’t do any of that, I felt robbed of enjoying the journey to becoming a mum for the very first time. I kept telling myself, it would get better, it will change when the baby’s here, he will come around, he’s just shocked and needs time etc…but I was kidding myself. It didn’t get better, it didn’t change when the baby arrived and he didn’t come round with time (a whole 6months). Not the way any women wants to begin the exciting journey of becoming a mum, or should for that matter, but i know there are many others like me who have been through a similar experience.

Max’s arrival was textbook and the day after I left hospital Max’s dad buggered off to the gold coast with his mates for a long weekend and left me with a 4day old baby at my mums. Day 5 into being a new mum I received a text from my then partner informing me his estranged father and half sister were on their way down from the sunshine coast to come and meet the new baby…..i’d met his father once in our 5year relationship and had never met his half sister at that stage. So they turned up on our doorstep and Mum and I awkwardly entertained them for several hours. Over the next 12months he was always going away with “the boys” for weekends, weekends that previously i’d always been invited too but it was now “too hard” with Max and it compromised his social life when away.

I tried so hard to engage him in choosing pieces for the nursery, what colour to paint the walls, what pram to buy, gender neutral clothing, scans, baby shower etc but he just wasn’t interested. I’d had doubts about staying in the relationship since the day I told him I was pregnant and his response was not positive but I was scared of doing it on my own, scared of what people would think and say about me, and it made me feel like i’d already failed my child because I couldn’t give him two parents in a loving relationship and the role models he’d be proud to call his mum and dad. I didn’t know what to do so I stayed, I stayed in a “relationship” where I raised our son by myself, I did absolutely everything unless we were in public in front of his mates…then he’d hold our son for 5mins or so and hand him back so he could socialise. He worked from home but on an almost daily basis in the warmer months if I didn’t sit out in the shed with our son he wouldn’t have seen his father at all for days at a time. It was tough and there were so many times I just wanted to pack our belongings up and go home to my parents…but I was too proud. I didn’t want to be “the single mum”, i didn’t want the “failure” label, I was scared, heartbroken and lost.

Luckily Max was such a great sleeper and thrived on a routine, but around his first birthday I made the decision to leave. His father had no interest in Max’s first birthday and it really stood out just how disinterested he was in Max’s life, how could anyone not be excited about their child’s first birthday? But then I realised there had been so many other firsts that he hadn’t been involved with (by choice) or interested in. I didn’t have to courage to do it in person so when he left me for another weekend away with his mates to socialise and was left at home as it was “too hard with Max” I rang my sister in tears and asked for her help! My sister and her new husband dropped everything and came straight to me. I packed up our belongs through tears while Max slept and then when my sister arrived I cried even more and told her I couldn’t do it anymore. Im certain she knew i’d held on for longer then anyone had thought and she just nodded, gave me a big hug, told me to wash my face and she would look after her favourite (and only at the time) nephew while her husband and I packed mine and Max’s lives into two cars. I left a letter entailing everything I’d been saying to him since I found out I was pregnant that he hadn’t listened to and that I couldn’t be a single parent in relationship with someone who made me feel like our son was a burden to him. It was heart breaking but I could finally do it.

It wasn’t taken to well but after 2months of hearing what I wanted to hear and him showing a big effort towards Max I decided to go back…..but it only lasted 6weeks till I left again, although this time I left out of fear. Max had been really sick with a respiratory virus so after little sleep and a weekend in hospital in which his father hadn’t even bothered to come see him, I accidentally scraped the car on a garden bed at the hospital when someone pulled out of a parking space abruptly. When I finally arrived home, i’d gotten take away as it was 4pm and I hadn’t had lunch, his first words to me were “where’s my f*&^ing lunch, don’t worry about me just worry about yourself” so I left the bag of takeaway in the shed with him and went inside.  He followed me in and when he saw the scratch on the front bumper bar of the car he got really angry, he was yelling at me then finally threw the bag of takeaway across the lounge room at us and Max got really distressed. It wasn’t the first time he’d lost his temper and thrown stuff at me, but it was definitely the last. He then took off in his car and I packed a bag for Max and I and left. November 2015 I made the decision to end the toxic relationship for good, that is not the environment I wanted to raise Max in, I didn’t want him in our lives anymore and he didn’t deserve to be apart of it either. I’ve developed anxiety from the disgusting and derogative behaviour directed at me from Max’s father since the separation, but, he is allowed in Max’s life and I am doing everything I possibly can to protect Max from emotional hurt and I will never forget all the pain, stress and agony he has put me through since I found out I was pregnant.

It was time for me to start the journey of becoming the women and mum I knew I could be…..on my own. I now plan my days carefully, ensuring I fill them with family, close friends, doing things that I love and most importantly….taking time out for me. I’ve been on a journey of self love and am happy to say i’ve found it! I’m happy with who I am and the direction my life is heading with Max by my side 🙂