A new way of life…

A new way of life…..just Max and I.

When my ex finally got the idea that nothing he could do or say would bring me back it was bliss! He stopped turning up at our house at all hours of the day and night (remember we are now 2.5hours away form him), the constant messages stopped and I felt relief. Relief that I no longer had to be alone in a relationship, I didn’t have to pretend to be happy in front of acquaintances, and relief that I’d finally escaped a toxic relationship!

I am finally free, free of a toxic personality, free to raise my son with positive male model models in his life, free to go back to work, to rebuild a network of friends, and most importantly…..to embark on a journey of self love! Max has so many positive role models in his life now, any of which i’d be proud if he grew up to be just like them because between his uncles, poppy and our male friends, he has some pretty awesome footprints to walk along side and who will help guide him through life. These men are all very different but they are all attentive, caring and loyal. Both of Max’s uncles are dad’s themselves, as is his poppy and some of our male friends, they are absolutely amazing with their children and they support their partners in every way….this is what I had wanted Max to see, a dad who loves and supports his mum. I’m sorry Max that that didn’t happen, but have faith that one day there will be a male in our life that does love and support me in every way…including you xx

I am finally being supported to return to work with the amazing help of my parents. I am extremely grateful my parents are around to look after Max while i’m at work as without them I wouldn’t be able to due to the nature of my career as a nurse. Max’s has been through a lot of change but having my parents to care for Max when I returned to work almost a year ago meant that he felt safe, secure, and had routine and continuity. I remember my first shift back, I was so nervous but i’d chosen an evening shift as I could spend all morning with Max and I went to work while he had his lunch time sleep and he got to spend the afternoon with just his Nanny and Poppy, which he absolutely loved! Meanwhile I was stressing the whole time that he was really missing me and he’d be a mess…..he wasn’t, just me! Max soon understood what “Mummy is going to work” meant and knew that it would be time spent with nanny and poppy. I’ve done some time in area’s of nursing that aren’t my passion to brush up on my skills and knowledge as well as undertake some short courses and educational sessions. My boss recognised this and almost a year after returning i’ve finally been given the opportunity to get into the emergency department! Excitement is an understatement and that is another story for me to share..

I’ve reconnected with some old school friends with whom i’d kept in contact with and i’ve met new people through them as well as new acquaintances through work and activities in the community. The new connections through work are new and exciting and although i’ve met a lot of people there’s obviously only a few i’ve “clicked” with. The same with new connections through my school friends, while i’ve met a few there’s only a small few that are now apart of my network. My schools friends are like i’d never left, it’s nice to have them in my life and also that feeling of long term friendships and loyalty….these girls make me laugh, they’ve wiped away many tears, they’ve grounded me post breakup, and they’ve kept my therapist bill a lot smaller then it would be without them, thank you xx

My journey of self love has been interesting, i’ve learned that I need to fill up my own cup of self love first, only then can I truely give to others from the overflow. I feel i’ve become a little spiritual and I have a totally new outlook on life, I now meditate and enjoy practicing Thai chi and yoga regularly to ground me and clear my mind, I have far more patience and then I ever did before and I am not allowing negativity into my life. It meant a big shift in my friends circle but those who are still here are that one’s there were here for me from the start. Meditating, yoga and Thai chi are very relaxing, having a clear mind ensures a good nights sleep, and for the times I haven’t been able to clear my mind I found some amazing guided meditation to help get me too sleep. I started to really look after myself, it’s something I haven’t done for a long time and I didn’t realises till now! I get a massage when i’m stressed, I see a physiologist when I need to, I go to the gym which i’ve found helps me immensely, and I enjoy time with my friends again. Having the odd dinner, night out, day at the races or mum movie date is huge for us, it doesn’t happen often but when it does we all needed the time out to just be adults again and have some time to ourselves! As a num most understand that doesn’t happen very often and is extremely exciting lol.

18months post breakup i’ve started to date again, I felt the time was right so I went with it. I am extremely cautious about introducing anyone new to Max until I know they will be in my life long term, but I also understand that he will cope as well as I do so my plan is to slowly bring someone into our life ONLY once they are family and gal pal approved! I didn’t listen to either last time so this time he will need pre approval before he gets to be apart of my life. I downloaded an online dating app as this is what people are doing now, I got introduced to people through my circle of friends, and I met new people through work and the gym. Between all of them i’ve met some really nice people, where these new connections will take me i’m unsure, but for now i’m just enjoying getting to know new people and seeing where it leads me.


Be the very best version of you,
Stay true to yourself,
Be genuine + authentic,
Always always always be kind + spread love,

Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind xx

Congratulations you’re pregnant!

Congratulations you’re pregnant! I remember hearing these words from my doctor after several negative home pregnancy tests landed me in her rooms to get a blood test to see what was going on.

I had just finished my final uni prac for my nursing degree and had my eyes firmly on scoring my dream new graduate position at a large paediatric hospital. When I returned from prac I was immediately offered an interview for a casual position at a hospital in the home town I grew up 2 1/2 hours away in which i attended and was successful. Although 2 weeks in I noticed something was different, I wasn’t sure what but something was going on. I was on contraception but did a few pregnancy tests to rule that out and they were all negative…phew! I thought. I ended up making an appointment to see my doctor who’s immediate response was “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”. A test in her rooms was negative but the blood test showed otherwise, I got the phone call the next day with “Congratulations you’re pregnant, about 4-6weeks”, pause, “Thats not possible i’ve been away for almost 3months”, longer pause. Long story short…I was 12weeks pregnant confirmed by ultrasound a few days later.

I also distinctly remember the call to my then partner to tell him the news, I was excited as this was my first baby, but also devastated as I would have to give up my position in the new graduate program the following year…..he wasn’t excited! His response, “mmmm great, how the f*@k did that happen?”. Not “oh wow, thats a surprise” or “it’s going to be ok”, or “we’ll sort it out”,  or “how exciting” etc…you know, the normal responses. He already had children from a previous relationship and I think he had unofficially closed that chapter of his life without actually having that conversation with me. I didn’t know what to do, think, or feel. I told my family and they were all quite excited, except mum, she had always been wary of my then partner and asked if i’d done it on purpose to “fix” our relationship. I was really taken back by that comment but reassured her that I had worked so hard over the last three years at uni to land my dream job….the dream job I now had to give up. My excitement was subdued as my then partner didn’t want to tell anyone till he had told his ex-wife and their children but by almost 15 weeks I ended up giving him an ultimatum..”do it soon as i’m going to make a public announcement of our pregnancy, I can’t keep denying it and saying i’m bloated!”…the night before I made the announcement he finally told them.

Throughout my pregnancy he would tell people “it was an accident”, “i didn’t want anymore kids”, “i thought that part of my life was done”, I was gutted! He wouldn’t say any of that to me, just publicly to his friends and mutual friends. At a time a a to be mum should have been excited, glowing, talking baby room designs, what pram to buy etc I felt I couldn’t do any of that, I felt robbed of enjoying the journey to becoming a mum for the very first time. I kept telling myself, it would get better, it will change when the baby’s here, he will come around, he’s just shocked and needs time etc…but I was kidding myself. It didn’t get better, it didn’t change when the baby arrived and he didn’t come round with time (a whole 6months). Not the way any women wants to begin the exciting journey of becoming a mum, or should for that matter, but i know there are many others like me who have been through a similar experience.

Max’s arrival was textbook and the day after I left hospital Max’s dad buggered off to the gold coast with his mates for a long weekend and left me with a 4day old baby at my mums. Day 5 into being a new mum I received a text from my then partner informing me his estranged father and half sister were on their way down from the sunshine coast to come and meet the new baby…..i’d met his father once in our 5year relationship and had never met his half sister at that stage. So they turned up on our doorstep and Mum and I awkwardly entertained them for several hours. Over the next 12months he was always going away with “the boys” for weekends, weekends that previously i’d always been invited too but it was now “too hard” with Max and it compromised his social life when away.

I tried so hard to engage him in choosing pieces for the nursery, what colour to paint the walls, what pram to buy, gender neutral clothing, scans, baby shower etc but he just wasn’t interested. I’d had doubts about staying in the relationship since the day I told him I was pregnant and his response was not positive but I was scared of doing it on my own, scared of what people would think and say about me, and it made me feel like i’d already failed my child because I couldn’t give him two parents in a loving relationship and the role models he’d be proud to call his mum and dad. I didn’t know what to do so I stayed, I stayed in a “relationship” where I raised our son by myself, I did absolutely everything unless we were in public in front of his mates…then he’d hold our son for 5mins or so and hand him back so he could socialise. He worked from home but on an almost daily basis in the warmer months if I didn’t sit out in the shed with our son he wouldn’t have seen his father at all for days at a time. It was tough and there were so many times I just wanted to pack our belongings up and go home to my parents…but I was too proud. I didn’t want to be “the single mum”, i didn’t want the “failure” label, I was scared, heartbroken and lost.

Luckily Max was such a great sleeper and thrived on a routine, but around his first birthday I made the decision to leave. His father had no interest in Max’s first birthday and it really stood out just how disinterested he was in Max’s life, how could anyone not be excited about their child’s first birthday? But then I realised there had been so many other firsts that he hadn’t been involved with (by choice) or interested in. I didn’t have to courage to do it in person so when he left me for another weekend away with his mates to socialise and was left at home as it was “too hard with Max” I rang my sister in tears and asked for her help! My sister and her new husband dropped everything and came straight to me. I packed up our belongs through tears while Max slept and then when my sister arrived I cried even more and told her I couldn’t do it anymore. Im certain she knew i’d held on for longer then anyone had thought and she just nodded, gave me a big hug, told me to wash my face and she would look after her favourite (and only at the time) nephew while her husband and I packed mine and Max’s lives into two cars. I left a letter entailing everything I’d been saying to him since I found out I was pregnant that he hadn’t listened to and that I couldn’t be a single parent in relationship with someone who made me feel like our son was a burden to him. It was heart breaking but I could finally do it.

It wasn’t taken to well but after 2months of hearing what I wanted to hear and him showing a big effort towards Max I decided to go back…..but it only lasted 6weeks till I left again, although this time I left out of fear. Max had been really sick with a respiratory virus so after little sleep and a weekend in hospital in which his father hadn’t even bothered to come see him, I accidentally scraped the car on a garden bed at the hospital when someone pulled out of a parking space abruptly. When I finally arrived home, i’d gotten take away as it was 4pm and I hadn’t had lunch, his first words to me were “where’s my f*&^ing lunch, don’t worry about me just worry about yourself” so I left the bag of takeaway in the shed with him and went inside.  He followed me in and when he saw the scratch on the front bumper bar of the car he got really angry, he was yelling at me then finally threw the bag of takeaway across the lounge room at us and Max got really distressed. It wasn’t the first time he’d lost his temper and thrown stuff at me, but it was definitely the last. He then took off in his car and I packed a bag for Max and I and left. November 2015 I made the decision to end the toxic relationship for good, that is not the environment I wanted to raise Max in, I didn’t want him in our lives anymore and he didn’t deserve to be apart of it either. I’ve developed anxiety from the disgusting and derogative behaviour directed at me from Max’s father since the separation, but, he is allowed in Max’s life and I am doing everything I possibly can to protect Max from emotional hurt and I will never forget all the pain, stress and agony he has put me through since I found out I was pregnant.

It was time for me to start the journey of becoming the women and mum I knew I could be…..on my own. I now plan my days carefully, ensuring I fill them with family, close friends, doing things that I love and most importantly….taking time out for me. I’ve been on a journey of self love and am happy to say i’ve found it! I’m happy with who I am and the direction my life is heading with Max by my side 🙂